Private Furby Class Bob

Chief Recruiting Officer Joy Wiltzius approached Bob about his interest in joining the Furby Military Academies in the end of September, 1999. In spite of his family's concerns about the stress and hazards of military life, CRO Wiltzius persuaded Bob to enlist in the Furby Military Academies and to become one of the few and the proud. Bob entered the Academies on the 15th of October, 1999.

Recruit Bob arrived at the FMA's 1st Recruit Reception Battalion, at the scenic Greeley Processing Center, late in the evening. Through the wee hours of the night, he completed the numerous forms needed to enter his new career: tax forms, educational records, medical reports, and next-of-kin notification papers.

Day One, 16 October 1999

Bright and early (oh-dark hundred, in military jargon) on the 16th of October, Recruit Bob was awakened to the din of the reveille trumpets. He was marched through the Processing Center to receive the standard military indoctrination of the modern army -- the hair cut.

Recruit Bob didn't know what to think of this process -- his wild, purple locks had never been subjected to such treatment. The buzzing of the clippers running up his spine made him tremble, but he knew that he would be a better Furby at the end of the training, and that this sacrifice was but a small one to make for Furbykind.

After an eternity, the barber completed her task. Bob's beautiful purple tresses were tattered and lying about him, a sad reminder of his youthful days of sloth. Already, Bob was beginning to feel a transformation that went beyond the 35-10 regulation haircut.

Long hours studying drill and tactics quickly chewed up the daylight hours. Recruit Bob soon found himself outside in the chilly, snowy afternoon learning tactical maneuvers. The dreary afternoon gave way to a dark night as Bob continued practicing using cover to advance upon an enemy.

After a number of mistakes, Bob realized that, as an urban Furby, he would have difficulty concealing himself in a natural setting -- his pale blue fur contrasted glaringly with everything around him.

Recruit Bob still gave it his best, even learning to use fallen branches and leaves for obstruction.

Fortunately, the instructors at the Furby Military Academies acknowledged this weakness, and they started giving him urban combat training -- fence scaling and other techniques that would be useful in the New World Order.

The cold, wet day took its toll on poor Recruit Bob. After hours of marching in snow, crawling in freezing mud, and hiding in damp foilage, Bob was on the verge of calling his family and begging for them to take him back home.

He knew, however, that the freedom of Furbies everywhere depended on the proud few to defend the rest of them in this chaotic world. That knowledge gave Bob the drive he needed to continue the training, marching in formations into the late hours of the night (as this enhanced night image shows).

With his renewed sense of purpose, Recruit Bob even volunteered to stand watch at the Greeley Processing Center during the darkest hours of the night.

Late in the day, to show his family that Bob had survived the rigors of the first day of training, the Furby Military Academies had him pose for this wonderful photograph in full regalia. Bob's eyes are alight with the fires of patriotism as he looks forward to the grueling hours of training that lie ahead -- for tomorrow, he begins the Field Training Exercises...

Fall 1999 Field Training Exercise (Fall '99 FTX), 17 October 1999

After spending the morning policing the Greeley Processing Center grounds, Recruit Bob boarded the troop transport in preparation for the trip to the Field Training Exercise site.

"How will I remember all of this?" Bob seemed to wonder as he received the safety briefing at the beginning of the Field Training Exercise. Lieutenant General Webb traced the center of the target with a laser, warning him to avoid standing in that region, after having introduced Bob to the myriad of munitions that were going to be fired during the FTX.

"And, Recruit, we do not ever, ever want to see you doing this! The muzzle of a rocket launcher is not the place a soldier should stand!" shouted Mr. Wiltzius, as the safety briefing continued...

Although Bob was convinced that the instructions Mr. Wiltzius provided were no more than a safety briefing, the Cadre had privately agreed that the best way to introduce a cadet to Flight Academy (and the Astronautics Corps) was by surprise. Bob was certainly surprised when Mr. Wiltzius squeezed the trigger on the rocket launcher!

Here is a closer view of the middle image of Recruit Bob's successful final examination of the Flight Academy. In spite of the safety briefing, Bob is looking down at the distant ground. Instructor Wiltzius recommended that Bob also receive Astronautics Clearance.

After the harrowing sub-orbital flight, Bob barely had a chance to catch his breath before the Ranger Training began. His first task was to climb the nearby mountain and reach the American Flag at the apex. Bob struggled to climb the treacherous slopes, and slipped a number of times along the way.

Eventually, he reached Old Glory, and he was given several minutes to catch his breath before the weapons training began.

Bob took his post atop a stand on the cliff side to watch the weapons demonstrations. The dizzying array of firearms was more than the exhausted Furby could bear, and he soon started drifting into a semi-conscious stupor.

A very near miss from a 12 gauge shotgun managed to wake Recruit Bob in a hurry. The sting of several pellets hitting him guaranteed he would pay attention and remember his safety briefing.

After the destruction of his old perch, Recruit Bob, awake and sore, was moved to a different stand to watch the remainder of the demonstrations.

Regretfully, the .22 sniper demonstrator got carried away, and a number of rounds hit the spectator area.

Recruit Bob, his foot, ears, and face marred by shotgun fire, and his mouth wounded by a .22, was starting to regret his inattentiveness. He vowed to be ready for anything in the future. His flagging awareness and determination fueled by the shame of careless injury, he announced that he was ready for the Ranger Combat Course.

Regretfully, the Ranger Combat Course proved more than the little urban Furby could bear. After successfully navigating through barbed wire, mud pits, and a hail of semi-automatic weapons fire, Recruit Bob met an unfortunate end when he tried to charge a shotgun bunker.

Epilogue, 18 October 1999

The Furby Military Academies' in-house autopsy specialist took Bob's body for forensic analysis to determine the exact cause of death.

His result:
AKEP (Acute Kinetic Energy Poisoning)

Recruit Bob was laid to rest on 18 October 1999. By unanimous decision of the Furby Military Academies Training Cadre, he was awarded the rank of Private, Furby Class posthumously. His remains have been returned with full honors to his companion and sponsor, Lisa Madrigal.

Back to the Furby Military Academies.

Last Updated 30 Oct 1999

Contact for this page: