Furby Military Academies

Summer 2000 FTX

Recruit-Candidate Shootme arrived at the Greeley Recruit Processing Center in mid-May 2000. It (gender was indeterminate) was immediately placed in the Ranger School, where it learned various tactical operations such as motorized anti-armor using a military HMMWV (Hum-Vee) with a TOW II anti-tank missile system.

Recruit-Candidate Shootme spent long hours training, learning to reload the missile systems unsupervised.

The Ranger School cadre had high hopes that perhaps this recruit would be able to complete training -- after all, it seemed to understand the concept of attacking from cover!

Meanwhile, the training cadre continued to prepare Recruit Stoner for his role in the Advanced Warfighting Legion. Here, Recruit Stoner qualifies with the Desert Eagle Personal Artillery Weapon System. Unfortunately, Recruit Stoner still seems to have substantial accuracy problems, and the cybernetic enhancement hardware keeps rejecting him with errors like "Unsupported Neural System" and "Insufficient Neural Pathways for Connecting to Host". No one seems to make the right drivers to support Furbies.

Summer 2000 Field Training Exercise, 17 June 2000

On the morning of the FTX, the Recruits and Recruit-Candidates received a final instructional briefing. Colonel Webb demonstrated the safety and functional features of one of the combat shotguns used by the Furby Military Academies.

Shortly before this final block of instruction, Recruit K6 returned from the Cybernetics Lab with his Advanced Perfomance Enhancements. We immediately started putting Recruit K6 through his paces, testing his learning ability and reaction times.

The improved learning abilities of the enhanced Furby were astounding. By midday on the 17th, Recruit K6 was involved in language immersion training. We were very hopeful that his enhanced processor capabilities would give him higher survivability by allowing him to perform bullet-evasion like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. However, Captain Wiltzius recommended we might need to overclock the processor to allow such high mobility. Recruit K6 volunteered to have his neuralware processor overclocked to approximately six gigahertz.

Due to the unexpected extreme overheating associated with such aggressive processor overclocking, the Furby Military Academies strongly recommend other experimental agencies not to overclock their cybernetic units. The fire damage to Recruit K6 was severe enough that he was barely able to run at six hertz. The FMA was very disappointed, due to the difficulty of finding compatible Recruits and neuralware equipment.

Still, Recruit K6 was quite the trooper, and he insisted on continuing to the training site for the FTX with the rest of the Summer 2000 class.

Colonel Webb kept his special trainee, Recruit Shootme, close in order to ensure that it received the highest possible quality of Ranger training.

Per FMA training procedures, the FMA Cadre conducted refresher courses in proper weapons handling and safety before the Recruits were permitted near the firing line.

All of the FMA cadre need to be cross-qualified on a wide variety of weapons, even if they are not all specialists in land warfare.

Execution of the Traitor Jadzia Ditz

As ordered by the Furby Military Academies tribunal, former Recruit Jadzia Ditz was transported to the Mapultian National Training Grounds to be executed for treasonous activities for her role in subverting the Spring 2000 FTX.

The shooters tasked with the execution were selected at random from the cadre. Their identities have been concealed to grant them anonymity.

The Traitor Jadzia was led to the execution stand, where she awaited completion of her sentence.

On the command from the Chief Executioner, Jadzia Ditz was shot by four 00 buckshot shells at close range.

The remains of Jadzia Ditz will be used in the future to remind new Recruit-Candidates of the poor decision she made in betraying the trust the FMA granted her. Her Court Martial was the first in Mapultian history.

The First Mapultian Service Organization (MSO) Show

Because the FMA had a poor graduation percentage (0% of all recruits to date), the FMA instituted a sobering review of training policy. One of the worst aspects of FMA training was in the maintenance of morale. The FMA decided to implement a morale-boosting program, the Mapultian Service Organization (MSO). The cadre were very surprised and pleased to sign no less than Britney Spears as the first MSO ambassador to the Furby Military Academies' Field Training Exercise.

Several of the cadre were a little disappointed with her inappropriate dress, since the FMA were in the field at a training site. However, as one instructor pointed out, nothing stuck to the cacti and briars, either! Some of the Recruits were very excited when Britney practically dragged Recruit Stoner to the stage. Unfortunately, most of the actual "show" was not appropriate for this website.

Recruit Stoner became very agitated when he realized that Britney's roadies set her stage in the Mapultian National Training Grounds' livefire range. He quickly withdrew from the stage when he heard the distinctive sounds of a shotgun being prepared for fire.

Unfortunately, Britney was not quite as quick as Stoner. She failed to recognize the distinctive sounds of a pump-action shotgun being chambered. The FMA regrets this tragic loss of a rising young star. The FMA is also questioning whether her style of performance is appropriate for raising the morale of the troops of the FMA. Future MSO shows have been suspended pending further review of this issue.

Recruit training

Instructor Schow and the rest of the cadre quickly started the fast-paced, intense practical examinations that complete the Field Training Exercise. A number of Furbies failed to demonstrate speed and survival instinct, learning painfully that remaining in the open while being shot at is not a viable survival trait.

Finally permitted to demonstrate its practical knowledge without instructor supervision, Recruit Shootme panicked for several seconds before some near misses galvanized it to action.

Captain Decker demonstrated one of the fire-from-prone techniques for the combat shogun. One of the slower recruits managed to place itself downrange when Captain Decker fired. Some of its remains were recovered.

The cadre were surprised to find that most of the recruits had somehow managed to survive the first round of the Tactics practical examination. Many of them quickly applied lessons in evasion and cover. In doing so, they managed to minimize the level of damage sustained.

Instructor Schow catches brass as it flies from Colonel Webb's pistol.

Captain Decker had to stop eventually to reload before conducting a class on How Not To Be Seen. Several Furbies fell for the well-used gag of "Okay, the class is over. Come out from cover!"

Surprisingly, Recruit Stoner showed some initiative and impressive speed when he was subjected to the combat evasion exam.

In spite of his size, he managed to evade most of the rounds successfully. Lieutenant General Webb decided he was ready to attempt the Advanced Evasion And Survival Exam, evading shotgun fire from close range.

It appears that Recruit Stoner was tired from his time on stage with Britney and his previous practical exams. Perhaps the cadre should have given him a few moments to recuperate between tests.

Recruit Shootme suffered a similar fate as Recruit Stoner.

Regrettably, none of the trainees managed to survive the second round of training.

On a more positive note, during cleanup operations Captain Wiltzius discovered that the neuralware processor unit from Recruit K6 was intact (apart from a few bent pins), and he announced that the cybernetic enhancement experiments would be run again for the Fall 2000 FTX.

Back to the Furby Military Academies.

Last Updated 19 Jun 2000

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