Furby Military Academies

The Court Martial of Jadzia Ditz ::: Official Transcript ::: April 8, 2000

Scene: Meeting Room B, Greeley Recruit Processing Center. A card table has been set up near a wall. Lieutenant General Julia Webb, Air Marshal Dan Brandow and Colonel Christopher Webb sit behind the table. A large hardcover book and gavel (actually a claw hammer) are lying on the table.

In front of the card table and a little to the right is another table. The accused, Jadzia Ditz, is sitting on the table almost hidden by piles of manila folders. Instructor Jennie Seay is seated behind the table. She will act as defense council.

To the left are rows of chairs for spectators, including a few Furbys and other members of the School of the Americas. The buzz of several conversations can be heard.

Julia: (banging gavel) Order! This proceeding will come to order. (noise subsides) Court-Martial, convened by order of the Furby Military Academies, Greeley Recruit Processing Center, pursuant to the laws and regulations of the FMA. Presiding officer: Lieutenant General Julia Webb. The other members of the judgment panel are directed to introduce themselves.

Christopher: Colonel Christopher Webb.

Dan: Air Marshal Dan Brandow.

Julia: The accused: Senior Recruit Candidate Jadzia Ditz, serial number 0002. Is the defendant present?

Jadzia: (represented as a voice somewhere between Beeker from the Muppet Show and Cousin It from the Addams Family) (noise sounding like "present")

Julia: Very well. Article THX1138. Charge: treasonous insubordination to a superior officer.

Christopher: Who will be serving as defense counsel?

Jennie: (chair scraping as she stands) Breakit!

Jadzia: (expresses surprise)

Dan: Instructor Seay! Behave yourself.

Jennie: Sorry. (slight pause, then sarcastic/bored) Instructor Jennie Seay, acting defense counsel.

Julia: Very well. The judgement panel will call and question its first witness. Defense will then have the opportunity to cross-examine.

Dan: Captain Ryan Decker please step forward.

Ryan: (steps echoing on the concrete closer to the desk) Captain Decker reporting as ordered, Sirs.

Julia: At ease. Colonel Webb, we'll start with your questions.

Christopher: Thank you. (shuffles papers) Captain Decker, I wish to discuss the events on or about the afternoon of 19-March. Where were you on that date at approximately 1230 hours?

Ryan: I was at the Greeley Recruit Processing Center, doing final inspections of the recruit candidates and loading them onto the troop transports.

Dan: So it was your responsibility to make sure the trainees were in their assigned berths in the transports?

Ryan: (indecisively, as if he's afraid all this was his fault) Err, yes. It was my responsibility. And I did place them in their sacks. I mean, berths. I then went to assist in the loading of food, targets and ammunition that would be necessary for the field training exercise.

Christopher: So you discharged your duty to the recruits, then left them alone to help with loading supplies.

Ryan: That is correct.

Julia: Approximately how long were you away from the recruits until the transports started moving?

Ryan: No more than fifteen minutes.

Dan: Was the defendant saying or doing anything out of the ordinary while you were packing them up for he trip?

Ryan: They were mostly quiet. I thought at the time they were just nervous…

Christopher: (slight exasperation) Lets skip ahead a bit. After we returned from the exercise you led the search teams in finding the recruits.

Ryan: Yes, sir. I found most of them in the Food Service and Biotoxin Research Center.

Christopher: What were they doing there?

Ryan: Not eating.

Christopher: (slight pause) Riiiiight. Please continue.

Ryan: Well... We interviewed the recruits and all of them testified to the fact that Senior Recruit Candidate Ditz ordered them back to the Arctic Concealment Course.

Julia: So it was the accused that ordered the recruits into desertion?

Ryan: Ummm... Yes...

Julia: Is there anything else this court should know about Jadzia's actions on the date in question?

Ryan: I don't think I under...

Christopher: (Interrupting) Captain Decker, may I remind you that you are not under oath?

Jadzia: (surprise)

Ryan: (as if a lightbulb just went of in his head) Umm. Yes! There are a few things you should know about her! (blatently making this up...) Umm. One time I heard Jadzia claim that we kill off Furbys for the fun of it. And, and... She once posed nude for PlayToy Magazine!

Jadzia: (surprise and anger)

Ryan: (continuing) And she used to light up all the time with Cadet Stoner! And I heard she once sexually harassed one of the Tickle Me Elmos!

Jadzia: (rage)

Ryan: (yelling) She's a commie I tell you!

Julia: Okay, that's enough, Ryan. Thank you. (to the defense) Cross-examine?

Jadzia: (challenge)

Jennie: (chair scraping) Thank you, your honor. (measured footsteps, a pause for a breath and then in a high-pitched voice) Boy that ditz Jadzia really deserves to be shot, doesn't she?

Jadzia: (outrage)

Julia, Christopher and Dan: Jennie!!!

Jennie: (impishly) No more questions.

Julia: That's fine. (pause) Jadzia Ditz, is there anything you have to say in your defense?

Jadzia: (affirmative noise, then a long string (approximately 20 seconds) of stirring dialog. It is an impressive speech (or would be, if we could understand it) which gets more strident and confident as the seconds go on. In fact, several Furbys in the audience start humming "The Battle Hymm of the Republic" during the speech. Several kazoos join in. The speech and the final refrain of music finish simultaneously.)

Julia: (long pause) Jennie? Translation?

Jennie: Nothing, your honor.

Jadzia: (long wail) NONONONONONONONO!!!!

Julia: Then it is the pronouncement of this court that Jadzia will be executed by firing squad at the earliest opportunity.

Jadzia: (resignedly) Ah, shit.

Dan: This court is adjourned.

Jennie: Christopher, can I borrow the boomstick for the firing squad?

Christopher: Yes, Jennie.

Julia: (pounds gavel)

Back to the Furby Military Academies.

Last Updated 07 Jun 2000

Contact for this page: WebMaster@BabylonByCandlelight.com